Radical Surrender

August 11, 2013 — 3 Comments

Yep, I’m guilty of staring into space. Why? Because I spend a lot of time wandering around the maze of my mind picking up relics of memories.

CumulusI blow the dust off, feel their weight in my hands and try to imagine the emotions, smells and circumstances that might have accompanied their placement in my archives. In many cases, it can be quite fun–this daydreaming.

My God, those moments playing hide and seek at 25,000 feet in the billows of cumulus were other worldly. But then, under a stack of pleasantness, I occasionally find recollections that are just plain bad. Truly awful. And I’m reminded of how trying life can be.

It really is a test.

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Dead Baby Talking

July 5, 2013 — 10 Comments

A poem. A song. A scream toward heaven. Anything, something. A way for me to communicate the sorrow and shame I feel for the monumental regret of my life.

Dear child, if only I could sacrifice the god of “I” to the God of Mercy who is blessedly with you, comforting you. To bring you back. On behalf of everyone who killed innocence in the womb.


You are my father and you abandoned me. Why?

“You weren’t important. I had other priorities. Hell, you weren’t even a ‘you’.”

But I am, you know. We all are. It’s undeniable.

“That, dear love, was an inconvenient truth that I couldn’t handle.”

I was inconvenient?

“You were responsibility, commitment, disruption, expensive, awkward, burdensome, enslaving. Unwanted things.”

And my mother felt the same way?



“I don’t know what your mother was thinking. I’m only assuming. I barely knew her.”

I don’t understand.

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A Father’s Outrage

April 13, 2013 — 1 Comment

I’m still in the process of getting used to a new job, new city and new life. So my blogging life has slowed considerably. But I expect to be able to pick it up in earnest soon. I have so much to be thankful for and my gratitude is primarily directed toward God. As well as some folks who are in my prayers.

A friend of mine shared a letter with me that no doubt represents the concerns of many fathers. I’d like to share parts of it. His anguish is real and heartfelt but very well articulated. He’s clearly identified one of America’s many problems that are emblematic of our decline.

He wrote the letter to the president of USC.

I am a Trojan (BS Business ’86), a self-made entrepreneur, father of four children and a freedom loving American who employs 50 people in California and Arizona, who earned his way through USC on the way to earning an MBA from the Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania. In our polarized world of real-time politics streaming from every digital means, I could not help but to read the news story (see weblink below) concerning political science Professor Sragow from my alma mater.

On a busy day at the office where we are struggling to find productive investments in a slow growth economy in the least competitive State in the United States in order to provide opportunity for our teammates and positive returns for ourselves and our investors, I wish I had not read and heard what I did but I encourage you to do the same. My love of liberty, freedom of thought and expression and my heartfelt desire for my children to have the opportunity that I did to get a phenomenal education and become great citizens and independent thinkers motivates me to write to you today. What I heard from the mouth of a professor and a military veteran (for which I have great respect) was nothing short of stupefying and endemic of our no-holds-barred world of unchecked temerity, devoid of intellectual curiosity.

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The duality of life never ceases to amaze me. We live in a universe of good and evil where virtue and savagery constantly compete for man’s passion. As a child, a tarantula frightened me yet it’s a flawlessly engineered creation.

Cross and MeadowAnd most remarkably, in God’s plan for man’s salvation, He walked among us as the Incarnate Word nevertheless He was rejected, vilified and mocked by scores.

His reward as the Redeemer was crucifixion.

I’m in my favorite leather chair, my legs and feet comfortably resting on the ottoman. My dog Lani is positioned as usual, snuggled between my legs. I’m looking out at the spectacular vista beyond my windows. I love these moments with her. They’ll be part of my memory forever.

She stirs and moves to another of her favorite locations, the couch. She looks over at me for an okay and climbs on up. Three spins, situating herself perfectly, her eyes rolling back in her head, my beautiful black Lab slowly exhales and sleeps.

The quiet allows me to think. I seem to be on two paths; survival in this world and preparing for the next. I guess one could technically prepare for Hell, but I’m aiming more North. To be with Him.

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The Journey Continues

March 20, 2013 — 1 Comment

Hi folks. This will be brief.

I have a new job in Northern California and I’m very excited about this next stage of life. I also can’t begin to tell you how thankful I am for all the wonderful people who have prayed for me. It’s been a tough road but a necessary one.

It will take me a bit of time to get acclimated but I will start-up my regular blogging shortly. See you soon.

May God bless all of you!

The Puppet Strings of Satan. It’s here.

My Papal Prediction

March 10, 2013 — 2 Comments

Ah, that moment when the new Pope walks out on the balcony–Habemus Papam (“We have a Pope”) still echoing in the Roman hills. Looking out on all those expectant faces, what will he be thinking? Or feeling?

Papal RingWill he have already decided on his second act as Pontiff (the first being his name)? Will he want nothing more than chapel time to pray? Will he want to huddle with confidants? Will he even have any in Rome? Or will he crave solitude?

His exterior might be serene. But inside? I remember landing aboard an aircraft carrier, very calm, in control. But I was pure adrenaline. I could have dunked a basketball with two hands. The same with our new Pope?

If I look outside the Vatican gates however, over the heads of the exuberant believers, my pondering stops. What I see is definitive. Indisputable. As in previous centuries, there are forces aligned outside the gates who want to destroy the Catholic Church. But now they seem larger, more threatening, diabolical.

In the center of a phalanx formation–the battering rams painted black–you can see secularism, relativism and atheism. Righteous in their belief that their time has come, they’re intent on killing all and taking no prisoners.

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Inviting Mini-Martyrdom

March 7, 2013 — 2 Comments

For those of you who are frequent readers of my blog, you’re somewhat familiar with my journey from atheist to Catholic. For new readers, I entered the Church in 2001 but it was the last four years of extraordinary trial that cemented my faith in God.

St.-Peter-2-230x150In my last post, I wrote about a possible job. I’m still in discussions with the CEO but it’s proving to be a very positive experience. He’s very keen on identifying folks who will fit in with the culture, who are great (not good) team players and who have exceptional skills and character. Amid a thorough process, I’ve also had to succinctly articulate lessons learned from crawling along my road to perdition.

Because of this reflective assignment, I’ve sensed an obligation to identify myself as a Christian. In today’s increasingly secular world, by taking this tact you’re never quite sure how you’re going to be received. It could be a big mistake. Was I inviting mini-martyrdom?

Let me share some of my correspondence with the CEO.

I was asked specifically about life after my crash and burn in 2009 which was financial, spiritual and physical.

I worked occasionally as a substitute teacher, worked in a coal yard and wrote a book. I learned that my mistakes over the last few years weren’t monumental and that I was also tripped by events. Like the prodigal son who goes away and foolishly spends his inheritance, he’s then hit with a famine. I went to Durango and spent my money and then the great recession erased my new job opportunities. So I had to scramble just to eat.

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