Archives For Hopelessness

I’ve never been able to accurately describe the pain I felt when hopelessness engulfed my entire being––my physical, my mental, my emotional, my spiritual. The despair was a silent but relentless vise that mercilessly crushed my very essence.


Unfortunately, my state of mind clouded lucid thinking that might have resolved my predicament. Imagine a tomato under a boot. Good options were obliterated under the boot’s heel, the crushing weight of life. The only remaining outcome, undoubtedly a bad and warped one, would be splattered on the sidewalk. Graphic symbolism for self-destruction, don’t you think?

I was suffering but I couldn’t tell anyone. My God, what would they think? You’re that pathetic? You’re that weak? This is what I’d like to talk about in this second post on suicide. Suffering. My first post, “Suicide – A Multidimensional Crisis” can be read here.

Prior to 2009, I was living a nice but passionless life in the mountains of Colorado. I had taken time off from the institutional investing world to play. Consequently, there was a lot of golf, skiing, partying and in retrospect, drifting. Ultimately though, I knew I had to get back to work so I starting looking worldwide in early 2008.

When the summer fun ended and autumn rolled in I had three quasi-offers––two in London (President, Managing Director) and one in the UAE (Managing Director). Things were looking good. I would use my Colorado dream home as a retreat and jump right back into the financial thunderdome. Without missing a beat.

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I will strive to trust Him completely, to acknowledge His authority and to surrender to His will.

If all you remember from this post is the above, I will have accomplished much.

Recently, I ventured into the lighthearted to write about my encounter with God (which was seriously true) as well as a weekend escape with a friend who is the poster child of anti-culinarians. Both posts made me laugh. However, for whatever reason, not many folks read them. In contrast, sandwiching these two posts, my reflections about crashesintelligent design and abortion were very well received.


Therefore, I have a theory. Generally, my opinions are supported by data but since it’s early morning, I’m going to incorporate the Blink methodology––the rapid cognition that happens within seconds, the power of thinking without thinking. In other words, I’m winging it.

I think America is grumpy and may not be in the mood to laugh.

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